I'm a very opinionated and forward person at times.
Sometimes i can be argumentative, awkward or contrary.
Sometimes I take it upon myself to save people.
This is who I am. I know some of you will have heard some of this, some of you will have not.
But i hope in this journal to explain myself a little.
I was born in the 1980's, to a family ripping itself apart at the seams.my mother and father divorced while i was still in the womb, and for the longest time i blamed myself. This is natural, but stupid.
My brother also blamed me, and made my life a living hell for years on end.
my grandmother, matriarch of the family and heavily christian, was bed-ridden since before i was born. my whole childhood she was in extreme pain, maxed out on valium to keep her from screaming out.
This made her lucid, occasionally prone to hallucinating, and sometimes almost oracle-like.
She had been poisoned and damaged by doctors, trying to cure cancer in her gut. they used Radium, which burnt holes through her insides...
So from the very beginning I knew without a doubt that medicine is still pretty much guess-work, and they get it wrong even today.
School was like an advanced excercise in torture. I was bullied almost without pause through my twelve years of schooling, and have been hospitalised a few times by gangs of over 30+people. When i say bullying, i mean actual bullying.
these guys werent just calling names, they were chasing me in massive groups, with knives and hammers in later years.
they literally wanted to kill me.
...and nearly did, a few times.
i taught myself to run, and to climb, to get away at any given opportunity. I learnt to scale buildings and to keep myself hidden.
They weren't the worst family in the world, but they could never connect with my views and ways.
By 13 I was Pagan and proud, and my heavily superstitious family couldnt take this on without thinking i was a devil-worshipper.
By 17, the tensions finally became too much, and i emancipated myself from my family.
I spent some time on the streets, I spent some time living on couches with people I barely knew. I spent some time living with my brother, who had become a steadfast rock in the crazy ocean of life for me, he is a follower of demonology.
And then I died.
Let me explain;
After an operation on my throat at 17 i was released from hospital. I had just aqcuired my first ever flat, and wanted to redecorate. While painting a door, the stitches in my throat ruptured, and I began to lose blood rapidly. Running to my bathroom ( getting my nice new flat covered in gore being my main concern at this point) I hung my head over the sink. after a moment it became apparent the sink was filling up, and i ought to do something a little more assertive in the face of this dilemma. I rang a friend of a few years (she is here on DA.... but im not name bombing in this journal) and asked her for help.
my brother was there in minutes. It's awe-inspiring seeing a body-building hardman on the verge of tears for you.
He rode with me to the first hospital, where my mother was waiting.
it turned out the first hospital didnt have my kind of blood in stock. oh, what fun. another long trek in a screaming ambulance, with paramedics alternating between hurling abuse at the stupid traffic getting in the way, and then turning and calmly telling me "everything's gonna be okay son, just stay calm". I got more and more drowsy and lucid, joking with them and my mother.
There was no real pain. It was pleasant. I remember slowly rolling back on my bed, and thinking how silly people are. The ambulance drivers were doing their best, but the roads were very busy. I remember thinking there should be specific roads for ambulances and emergency services.
Then a rushing sensation. Falling gently but quickly downwards, while staying still.
Then Darkness that lasted a lifetime. It receded with an embrace from within, from behind and all around.
A voice came to me. It sounded neither like a man nor a woman, but if i had to choose i would have pegged it as female.
I KNEW IN THIS MOMENT, AND FOREVER AFTER, THIS WAS 'GOD'.
It told me it understood my feelings of anguish toward modern man, but to be patient with them. It told me that it didnt care for our ideals of heaven, of sin. after a few suicide attempts, it still welcomed me with open arms, took me in and warmed my soul.
It told me there is faith, and then there is religion.... And these two things should not be mixed up.
what is written in books is written by man. What is written by God is written in the stars, and we are still too young to understand it's workings. We are ants trying to figure out the world our anthill is built on.
Faith comes from within.
Religion comes from the outside.
We only get one world here, and if we kill it, it is gone.
This is what i was told by god, and This is what I am sharing with you, still a proud pagan.
I have had many experiences in my life that have altered my world, and possibly also the very history of the world itself.
Time will tell.
I'm willing to share with those willing to listen.
But I write this for one reason only today;
Time is an illusion.
events happen one after another, and continue ever onward without ever looking back or forward.
time is simply a human invention, a philosophical way of explaining how we wish we could change how it works.
Life is a game, an extrapolation of the idea of a finite existence within an infinite possibility.
Bullies do not make you who you are, but they temper the steel with which you are forged.
Family do not define what you will be, unless you let them make your choices for you.
You are neither a human nor an animal,
But rather a floating autonomous piece of God's Will, inhabiting a body so it can experience life.
Keep in mind, this is true for the bullies too, much as we love to hate them.
So God is not an all-loving benefactor, but rather an intelligent and amorphous mass of mind and energy.
It makes sense that wars would be waged and fought over such things. The experience has to be lived out.
but enough is enough. It is about time people started standing up for their own individuality, and declaring themselves to be be autonomous themselves. we do not need god. it needs us. its about time we stopped fighting in it's name and started figuring out what we should be doing here, because regardless of what we experience, its all good experience to this creature.
We need to build a better world ourselves, with our own hands, working together as a whole collective, to finally put damaging the world we live on behind us.
And before any hardcore christians start trying to tell me it was satan i met (which some have)
or possibly an angel or something (as a priest has),
If you had met god you would damn well know it, from your balls to your bones.
I know what i experienced, and it made me who i am today.
dont dare to patronize me by telling me you know more about god than I,
If all you have to back your word is the bible.
read my words well, and you will understand my distaste at the "holy books".
For everyone else, those wanting to know more or to ask questions, I welcome this. I will be as truthful as I can be, and promise to only tell what i know from life experience.
Listening to: Omnia
Reading: The portable door
Watching: space go by @ 900 miles per second
Playing: with pens and pencils
Eating: bubble n squeak
Drinking: the heady ether of life. with a shot of whiskey